| i will first say that the last time i logged on here to blog was to vent/rant.
and i will say that i am here to do so again.
i admit that i have been unfaithful to xanga.
registered to a couple other blog sites thinking it'll help me start blogging again.
kind of like starting anew. but it hasn't been working like that.
so instead, from time to time, i come back here.
good ol' friend of mine, xanga. you've been with me half my life.
you've seen me grow up from the amateur blogger who blogs everything they did during the day and changed their layout with fancy html codes to the active member blogging about deep thoughts and became an outlet.
and no matter how much i've tried to start other blogs, i keep coming back to you.
yes, you've changed like i have.
but you're the most comfortable for me.
and i love how, like a dear old friend, we can always pick up where we left off.
i just wanted to let loose what's been on my mind. or more like tackling my mind.
just like how i returned to my old friend, xanga, my past demons have returned to me.
WHOA. heavy word. demons.
but no, i'm not talking about the spiritual creatures.
i'm talking about the things that i struggle with.
history repeating itself. that type of thing.
old habits that have never died or were dying.
old habits that are alive and well and on a splurge.
but they're not technically 'habits' either. i just don't know what the term is to call this.
i have my loving boyfriend to rant everything to but sometimes i feel like he doesn't want to hear it. i mean he will listen. and he's always there to catch my tears. but i can understand that hearing someone complain about the same thing over and over can get exhausting.
so that is when i turn to my old friend. my OF. haha :)
i've gained weight in the past year.
and it's apparent.
and i know it's apparent.
i look through pictures of me in the past couple years and it's a complete evolution.
i come home or home visits me and the first thing out of my family members mouths are "you gained weight."
the second thing to come out of their mouths are "but aren't you dancing a lot?"
these are the very sentences that run through my mind when i look at myself in the mirror.
i know i haven't gotten obese.
but it's a pretty good substantial amount of weight that's been added over the years.
basically, a tire sits around my waist.
i have a lot of pride. like a lot. i didn't notice it until this year.
and to have weight come back to haunt me kills it.
i can't wear any of my jeans with a somewhat form-fitting shirt.
my jeans suffocate me whenever i try to sit down in a chair.
so i have to do that famous pull-the-jeans-over-your-blub maneuver that i'm sure the average female does every time they sit down.
but sometimes that maneuver is pointless because my blub fights back and pushes my jeans back to where they originally were.
and you know it's really bad when your leggings do that too.
my junior year of high school to freshman year of college were my skinny years.
man, what i would give to be back to that.
everybody thought i was anorexic my junior year of high school. when really my metabolism was just at its peak or something because i was eating 4 meals a day. "second lunch" was what i ate when i came home from school.
it sucks to be the girl in my family.
i live with both my parents and grandparents. and i have a lot of aunts and uncles that live nearby that visit on a regular basis. so when i get picked on for my weight, i get it about 8x more than the average girl who lives with just their parents and only visit their other relatives on a seasonal/holiday basis.
i'd like to think i was an active kid growing up.
i've always wanted to play sports and join a team, but for some reason my parents wouldn't/couldn't enroll me. and i guess that's because they didn't understand how you go and do that.
so i didn't grow up fit as a fiddle with a body that can easily go back to a nice form due to it being so used to the physical activity a typical adolescent athlete had to go through.
instead, when i gain weight, i gain weight. and it's not pleasant.
skinny people who gain weight, gain weight where it doesn't affect their wardrobe. so they're still skinny and can wear whatever they want.
i on the other hand have a battle with my jeans every morning.
i on the other hand can't wear just a normal shirt to wear with my jeans.
i must cover up in a hoodie/sweater to hide that tube floatie bulging around my waist.
i know what i need to do.
i need to get up and exercise more.
i know all the solutions.
and another thing. i refuse to go up another jean size.
because i keep telling myself "i can't buy new jeans in a bigger size. what if i lose weight. that's a waste of money." needless to say, i haven't bought new jeans in almost a year.
the body i have now is what i wouldn't mind having AFTER i have kids.
but i'm in my pre-children-bearing years. i wanna be able to say "look at me when i was 20-something years old. MAN, WAS I HOT."
besides, i don't plan on having children.
i really don't. i'd like to, but if i'm having weight problems right now, i'm going to have some crazy issues after i have kids. and i don't want to be that mom that's weight-crazy to the point that it affects my own daughter(s) and/or son(s).
but isn't that horrible?
think about it.
i don't want to have kids because i don't want to be fat.
i'm so selfish.
i'm so prideful.
and stubborn.
am i going to tell my kid that? if i even have one?
"i didn't wanna have you at first because you were going to make me fat.
and look what you did, you made me fat. now let's go, we're going to be late for you soccer practice/dance class/iceskating lesson/karate lesson/basketball practice/kickboxing/yoga today."
so let me apologize to my potential future kid right now.
i'm sorry i'm going through this. but i feel like i need to learn to love myself before loving others.
and i know that i will love you regardless. you are my heart and soul and i only want what's best for you.
but above everything, i want you to be able to look up to me and admire me. all the stories i want to share with you. i want you to learn from what i've lived through. good, bad, and the sad.
i think i'm done now.
i hate making goals because of my fear of failure.
but if i'm not the slightest bit happy with myself next summer...
i don't know how to finish that sentence.
regardless, i'll be spending the first half of my summer in a foreign country anyways.
destination unknown as of yet.
but all this --- has got to go.
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